Change is not fraud

What do you do if your partner decides to become polyamorous, have kids, or make other decisions not initially discussed at the start of the relationship?

Many times in relationships, “change” is used in such condescending manner, for example, “she wasn’t clubbing when we first met, now all she wants to do is sleep out on Friday nights with her friends”, “he has become so liberal, different from the conservative man I fell in love with”.

These sudden changes may be seen as contradictions to what we know or how we see our partners, but we forget that our partners are allowed to be just as they deem fit. The word “growth” is relative and the decision to determine what feels like growth or how our partners should evolve, does not rest on us.

I had a partner who never went to parties due to being raised in a family where religious and cultural fundamentalisms exist. It was cool that we were both indoors all the time and I assumed we liked same things till she moved into her own space. Whenever I visited, she’d want us to go to parties when all I wanted to do was stay back and cuddle. I found this challenging because I didn’t think she had this party side to her. Not sure she even knew herself to be a party animal because prior to starting a relationship, we both talked about how we loved being indoors. But the truth is, people don’t know certain parts of them even exist until the perfect opportunity comes up. For my ex partner, moving into her own space brought to her consciousness the fact that she loved hanging out with friends till dawn. For her, this was growth. It was huge for her, stepping out in clothes she liked, to party all night without anyone policing her. This was so uncomfortable at a point that I assumed all she had said to me during the talking stage were lies.

As a conscious being now, I see how at that time, I had projected myself on my partner. The problem was, I was seeking for fulfillment by wanting her to be a certain way and when she wasn’t that way, I became so uncomfortable.

Hard as this sounds, our partners don’t owe us to be a certain way. They are fully entitled to be however they choose. Now, this doesn’t mean we sit like zombies when these changes become so uncomfortable. Just like our partners are entitled to these changes, we are also entitled to choose if these we want to remain in the relationship or not.

There have been instances where a once monogamous partner comes up to say they are now polyamorous and would want to see other people. The fact that they weren’t this way at the beginning of the relationship, does not mean they are liars. People change everyday. Shifts happen. It’s important to discuss how these changes impact us and how we are going to deal with it, but understand that your partner does not owe you compromise because again, you shouldn’t be centred when it comes to their change and compromise can mean different things to different people. Your partner may see a compromise as still having to edit themselves to suit you.

When we aren’t centering ourselves or projecting on our partners, it’s easy to look at these big changes from a point of clarity. It’s also helpful to seek support from a third party. Personally, speaking to an awakened being who’s also a therapist helped me confront baggages from my childhood. This helped widened my lens to observe these changes and I clearly saw my projections.

It’s also necessary to explore how important the relationships are to us versus the impact of the issue. We can choose to work on accepting these difference or choose to separate in love. Whetever decisions we come up with, the answers are always within us.

Love and light, my lovelies.

Don’t forget to clap 108 times after reading.

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