MARCH HOROSCOPES

You may think March is supposed to be a month filled with good luck and sports brackets and winning big, but honestly, you look like a rube. The closest you’ll ever get to luck is not getting fired for misconduct sometime in the near future but let’s not spoil the surprise just yet. March madness? More like March sadness. I’m ready for horoscopes. Let’s go.

Aries, March 21 — April 19
With a Venus retrograde in Aries, it’s not a great time for updating a relationship status, so hope you weren’t planning to pop the question! (The answer will be NOPE.) Feel free to get flirty if it’s complicated right now, but learn to love being ALL ALONE MAYBE FOREVZ I DUNNO. Start knitting, figure out how to golf, maybe finish that book on how to manage a successful relationship! (hint.)

Taurus, April 20 — May 20
You’re at an astrological high point right now, so get what you can out of it before life comes crashing down on you! Just kidding but also: really. If you want to borrow money or ask for a raise, this is a great time. Hell, it’s even a great time to lose money — so if you haven’t visited Vegas yet, book some Cirque Du Soleil tickets and let’s get fuckin LIT! Just watch out for the $9.99 buffet. You’ll never recover.

Gemini, May 21 — June 20
The month will be flanked by two full moons (the 2nd and the 31, dummo) which means intense emotions are on the way. And just when you think you’re going to stop crying, BOOM, MARLY & ME POPS UP OUTTA NOWHERE! Life isn’t fair. But you know what? Between wild mood swings you’ll receive some good news that you almost gave up on. Just remember to wipe your snot-covered face when you answer it.

Cancer, June 21 — July 22
The thing about friendships, Cancer, is that a lot of people say it’s a two-way street. Right now, you’re kinda treating it like a roundabout. And you don’t even drive! You really aren’t giving anything or adding to anyone’s good time. You’re kind of a wet blanket this month, so be aware. The week of the 12th will be especially hard, but the secret is to bury your emotions way down deep inside you. Health!

Virgo, August 23 — September 22
It turns out some co-workers are not in love with the way you do business, and it SUCKS to have to hear it through the office gossip mill but thems the breaks! Quickly get your shit together because after a full moon on the 2nd, you’ll matters of the home require intense focus. But don’t worry, you have plenty of PTO for a staycation or whatever they call it when you stay home and don’t wear any pants.

Libra, September 23 — October 21
It’s going to be a whirlwind of a month, so get ready. You’ll be hit with a lot of tasks both at your job and at home — so how you handle it all can make a huge difference. What does this mean, Libra? I’m saying DON’T FUCK IT UP! If you don’t crumple up and die of anxiety before the 31st, your hard work will be rewarded threefold. I would promise you that but c’mon promises are for children.

Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
It’s a good month to be skeptical about all sorts of things: mislabelled food packages, belated valentines, and of course flat-earthers. But especially when things at home start looking too good to be true. Because of this, it’s best to be on the safe side and wait to plan any trips or weddings. And whatever you do, don’t get caught looking like a dumbass drinking green beer on the 17th. What is this, AMATEUR HOUR?

Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
This month, it’s important to speak your mind. Let’s get down to brass tacks — If you actually dislike hanging out with Carol because you fucking hate that chewing sound she makes, tell her! I mean, why hang out with someone who makes a weird chewing sound? Just don’t make a scene because this month, it’s also important to remember that TACT is a good skill to have, and also Carol is friends with HR.

Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
Watch out Capricorn, a sneaky-ass Aries is not what they seem to be. Don’t confront them straight away, because it’s more fun when people suffer slowly! The weekend of the 23rd is a great time to reach out to old BFFs and classmates. Not only will it lead to career advice, you’ll get some hot gossip on that bitch who thought she was hot shit in college. You’re totally doing SO MUCH BETTER than all those losers.

Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
Don’t make any solid decisions regarding your finances or your job. Stay away from making new friends or signing up for a new cellphone plan, too. You know what? Maybe don’t do anything serious this month. But honestly, shouldn’t we all try to take ourselves less seriously? So yeah, you’re getting a head start in life lessons — or just think about it like that while you deal with your shitty T Mobile plan.

Pisces, February 19 — March 20
With the new moon in your corner, it’s time to focus on your priorities, and that means looking within yourself or some weirdo-inspirational-Oprah-type crap. Follow your bliss or whatever to find out what shit truly brings you joy. You’ll soon find that “Friends are more important than money” and that “Jealousy never works the way you want it to” and YES I am just reading the quotes off a Lululemon bag oh my god I’m so sorry.

Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.

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